a purpose worth being broken for

 

2011. it’s the obligatory end of year post. and i have much to reflect on. this is going to come in two parts.

it’s been quite a year. at the end of 2010, i was able to look back at a year of changing. and it was rough but so beneficial.

never did i imagine that 2011 would be even tougher.

this year i loved fiercely and intentionally. and it was the hardest thing my heart has ever gone through. it’s easy to love fiercely when you’re receiving love. but when you’re doing it knowing that you’ll never receive equally, it has the potential to wreck you. it would be easy for me to be bitter right now. but i started this year with one word on my heart.

 

SURRENDER.

it’s a word i prayed over and over again for myself. it’s the one word i can use to describe this year. this year i surrendered to a lot of things. i surrendered to my job. to my placement. to relationships.

but most of all i surrendered to an idea. to the idea that my life is not my own. i have a purpose and a calling on my life that i have been scared and hesitant to step into. and i know i’m scared because it is a calling that has the very real potential to bring so many blessings. but those blessings may be in equal proportion to the pain. if this past year was any indication, i’m surrendering to a life of constant giving. i’m surrendering to my “mary poppins” life.

and as much as i can feel a ripe hurt in my heart, i have never been more excited to live and to love than i am right now. for years i have been talking about being on a horizon. something that i felt was just around the corner. and i’ve been waiting, sometimes not very patiently, for a long time to have it revealed to me. but as God is wont to do, He has done everything in His own timing. and i am more thankful for that now than ever. because this year has marked the most growing time in my adult life. the most intentional time. and i know this is just a beginning.

this year was frantic. busy. overwhelming. difficult. enduring. growing. i’ve laughed a lot, but i’ve shed more tears. and truthfully i can say that i would not change a thing. i have no regrets. i am just fully content in my Maker and who He has molded me into over the year.

so as i sit here on the other side of the pain and the stretching and the growing, i am nothing but grateful. i know why they call them growing pains. i feel wiser today than i did a year ago. i feel more calm. i feel more content in the person God made me and is continuing to make me.

this year proved that i am feistier than i thought. i live more fiercely than i thought. and God has given me a resilience and a peace that i never dreamed i would carry.

 

i hope you understand that you haven’t seen the fierceness my God has given me. not yet. He’s unleashed it this year in a gentle way. and i’m not apologizing for it. here’s to 2012 and all that this night ceremoniously hold for us.

 

begin anew. it’s time.

 

(sleeping at last- noble aim)

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