this is not scientific. i don’t have any degrees in medicine or biology or anything that tells you how a brain actually functions. but i do know all of this to be true:

a year ago today, my brain caught up with my heart. ok, that sounds slightly ridiculous, because in truth the heart is a muscle, and it doesn’t have feelings, other than feeling blood pump through it. and technically, what i mean is the logical part of my brain caught up with the emotional part of my brain, but that sounds much less magical. regardless. a year ago, two parts of my brain started working simultaneously.  a few months later,  a third part of my brain had the chance to catch up.

and a few months after that the last part of my brain began to grow and stretch and learn in way it hadn’t before. it gave me the chance to live symbiotically within myself. for the logical to meet the emotional, and for those to meet with the most important part of my brain, where the Holy Spirit gently speaks to me. it was in this fluid relationship that God revealed so much truth about my life, His plans for me, His idea of what my marriage should look like, and His truth about what loving another person was supposed to look like.

i believe in loving people. i believe in marriage. i believe God has given us marriage as the second most important relationship to experience. and i believe that God just asks us to make a choice that will please Him. but i also believe that one of those choices is the choice not to marry at all. the bottom line is whether or not your choice pleases Him.

i don’t believe in true love. but i do believe in love. and i believe without question that love is not a feeling in one of those parts of my brain, but a conscious decision that i make every day, every minute, every second. i believe He has equipped me to love someone in that way. and the only requirement is for that person to make that conscious decision for me every day, every minute, every second. it’s just a choice.

my favorite lady, billie, sings it like this:

‘you’re going to love me like nobody’s loved me

come rain or come shine

happy together, unhappy together, and won’t it be fine?

days may be cloudy or sunny. we’re in or we’re out of the money

but i’m with you always, i’m with you, rain or shine’

a year ago God started me on a trajectory to really find what He wanted me to understand all along.

i don’t believe in true love. but i do believe in love.

(harold arlen, johnny mercer- come rain or come shine)

after this season, the song “clarity” by jimmy eat world does just that.

nearly 12 years later, clarity holds the words i thought and held.

maybe it doesn’t “make sense” so much as it means more. infinitely more.

i’ll take your words

as if you were talking to me

so say what i know you’ll say

and say it through your teeth
now in the deep and down your heart moves

now in the deep and down i don’t know how, but i know i want out

wait for something better

will I know when it can be us?
wait for something better

maybe that doesn’t mean us

wait for something better, i shouldn’t, it’s not enough

pull one excuse from another
and with pride, keep every failure in

and with pride, hold on to the  sinking

now in the deep and down, your heart moves

now in the deep and down, i don’t know how but i know i want out

wait for something better

will i know when it can be us?

wait for something better

maybe that doesn’t mean us
wait for something better- i shouldn’t, it’s not enough

pull one excuse from another

this time it means stop, stop

pull one excuse from another

this time it means stop

wait for something better
will i know when it can be us?

wait for something better

maybe that doesn’t mean us

wait for something better-i shouldn’t, it’s not enough

pull one excuse from another

this time it means stop

and a whole lot of clarity )

(jimmy eat world- clarity)

2011. it’s the obligatory end of year post. and i have much to reflect on. this is going to come in two parts.

it’s been quite a year. at the end of 2010, i was able to look back at a year of changing. and it was rough but so beneficial.

never did i imagine that 2011 would be even tougher.

this year i loved fiercely and intentionally. and it was the hardest thing my heart has ever gone through. it’s easy to love fiercely when you’re receiving love. but when you’re doing it knowing that you’ll never receive equally, it has the potential to wreck you. it would be easy for me to be bitter right now. but i started this year with one word on my heart.

SURRENDER.

it’s a word i prayed over and over again for myself. it’s the one word i can use to describe this year. this year i surrendered to a lot of things. i surrendered to my job. to my placement. to relationships.

but most of all i surrendered to an idea. to the idea that my life is not my own. i have a purpose and a calling on my life that i have been scared and hesitant to step into. and i know i’m scared because it is a calling that has the very real potential to bring so many blessings. but those blessings may be in equal proportion to the pain. if this past year was any indication, i’m surrendering to a life of constant giving. i’m surrendering to my “mary poppins” life.

and as much as i can feel a ripe hurt in my heart, i have never been more excited to live and to love than i am right now. for years i have been talking about being on a horizon. something that i felt was just around the corner. and i’ve been waiting, sometimes not very patiently, for a long time to have it revealed to me. but as God is wont to do, He has done everything in His own timing. and i am more thankful for that now than ever. because this year has marked the most growing time in my adult life. the most intentional time. and i know this is just a beginning.

this year was frantic. busy. overwhelming. difficult. enduring. growing. i’ve laughed a lot, but i’ve shed more tears. and truthfully i can say that i would not change a thing. i have no regrets. i am just fully content in my Maker and who He has molded me into over the year.

so as i sit here on the other side of the pain and the stretching and the growing, i am nothing but grateful. i know why they call them growing pains. i feel wiser today than i did a year ago. i feel more calm. i feel more content in the person God made me and is continuing to make me.

this year proved that i am feistier than i thought. i live more fiercely than i thought. and God has given me a resilience and a peace that i never dreamed i would carry.

i hope you understand that you haven’t seen the fierceness my God has given me. not yet. He’s unleashed it this year in a gentle way. and i’m not apologizing for it. here’s to 2012 and all that this night ceremoniously hold for us.

begin anew. it’s time.

(sleeping at last- noble aim)

(click)

what better way to kick off my new blog than a post about what i’ve learned today?

today i learned some really important things. and i’d love to share them with you

1. i learned for the first time what it feels like to be covered in prayer. i mean, i can literally feel the prayers people are praying for me. His peace is abounding.

2. i have a community and i never saw it coming. it doesn’t look like i expected it to look. my community spans the continent and age. and i love them so, so much.

3. i have the privilege of seeing the influence i’m blessed to offer girls. i don’t deserve the peeks into God’s plan for them, especially when He is using me. But He is allowing me tiny sneak previews. how wonderful that is.

4. i trust with my whole heart the gift He gave me of intuition. for the first time i trust that it’s Him speaking to me. such a comfort.

5. and lastly. i have learned to trust in the person i am in HIM. to be unashamed of the worth i have in HIM. to rest in HIS peace. i have learned the kind of strength and dignity He has for me. and i can’t explain the feeling. but i can’t wait for you to have it, too.

in my heart of hearts, i can say that the journey has been refining. i can look back on this year and know and believe that it was for my good. i now know and believe that the Lord spoke through melissa the day she called me mary poppins. it’s without a doubt.

the process is so very priceless.

(bon iver- beth/rest)

it was a weird night. it made me afraid that the entire year would be weird. turns out, it was. but in the best way possible. it all happened so, so fast.

what did 2010 look like for this girl?

i spent (nearly) the entire year with my best friend in the whole world.

and we took lots of photos together. which i am so very, very thankful for. with my whole heart.

i took photos of beautiful ladies dressed as hollywood starlets.

i started  with my sister during the great blizzard.

i had 3 photos submitted in my very a first art show

i started designing with a graphic tablet

the Lord unearthed a passion in me and the words to share with girls.

i got a new job

experienced LOST from the beginning, to the very end with pemmy.

i struggled through lots of change. and i’m still learning how to do that.

i directed my first summer of camp. which was amazing.

started an art club and helped friends to be creative

i watched my roomie and dearest friend kelly move out of our house and into her dream.

i photographed 3 weddings.

finally unveiled my photography website.

spent the year singing with my church worship team and finding my voice.

i did a lot of self-reflection. LOT.

i took the of a lifetime with my sister. across our country. but across much more than that.

overwhelmed myself on a regular basis by how far i’ve come in the past 3 years.

had my life rocked amp; challenged at all the youth events we’ve been a part of in the last 5 months.

bought enough music over the year to open my own record store.

took our 3rd annual magical southern christmas tour, arguably the best yet.

loved a lot of people. learned how to love a lot of people. learned how not to love a lot of people.

when i think back on the year 2010, i’m going to remember it as the year i changed the most. i’m going to remember it as the year i spent with my sister. i’m going to remember it as the year i started opening my heart. i’m going to remember it as the year God shook me from my complacency and gave me new eyes. new desires in my heart. and most of all a fire in my bones. i’m going to remember 2010 as a year of tremendous growth.

i sometimes think it’s silly to base our changes in something so simple as december 31 ending. but i understand the need for a new hope. putting things behind you and looking forward. i learned this year that i have the option to do that every single day. it doesn’t just happen once a year.

i know that 2011 is going to be intense. and challenging. and possibly even more growing that 2010. i’m so ready for more unknown. i’m embracing it more than i ever imagined i would be able to. i hope that whatever this year was for you, you are ready for what is about to happen. because i know it’s going to be huge. and since it’s january, you have a blank slate. draw on it. color in the details. write some new pages in your story. work hard. stay focused. take risks. love people. go on adventures.

#januaryisforfireworks

i’m working on all of those things. and i’m so, so excited.

(sleeping at last- january white)